You know, the other day I received a message about how my blog (of late) has shown the process of mourning, of letting go, of self love and of self worth and it moved me to the point where I would like to talk to you about how I really really arrived here.
Sometimes we fall in love and then sometimes, unfortunately, it hurts in the end and we get so ashamed trying to process what happened, what we did, whether we are the problem, whether we don’t deserve to be loved and truly – I am sitting here with all authority letting you know that the longest and hardest process of life is learning to love yourself. To be fully committed to yourself because you have come to know just who the fuck you actually are. And I say this with emphasis because that means that you acknowledge and understand your flaws and also your gold and you still choose to be the person you are in love with.
I stress this because, for the sake of being candid, I fell extremely hard about 2 years ago and it ended in trauma. It really ruined me and the fact that I am reduced to tears just typing this out lets me know that I did not imagine this. It was real and it really fucking hurt. I spent the past 2 years being an empty vessel; drowning in work, blowing money, sleeping around with no attachments, cancelling people, starting a business and losing all will and interest to keep it going the minute we faced challenges, going on week long drinking binges and developing a dangerous alcohol addiction where I was as I’ve confessed to my best friend and also my therapist, “drinking to die”. I’m not proud, but it’s honest. It really has been the deepest I’ve been depressed and I think the fact that it was not obvious on the outside to many really enabled the whole thing. So the thing about it is, I look back and I realize that although he sucked for what he did it was not actually about him and I don’t think it ever was. I realize that (bare with me) God was alerting me to something. This was not the first time but it certainly was the last and here’s why:
I only really got it a few weeks ago. It took the original heartache from 5 years ago resurfacing for me to understand why these situations overlapped and why they happened the way they happened and the truth is that until now I had not actually fallen in love with MYSELF. It may be cliché but I promise you it is true. Until you fall in love with yourself in such a way, a way that is unmatched, the way a mother loves a child, the way God (if you’re a believer) loves you, you will come to understand why no friend, no lover, literally nobody else can make YOU feel small after that. You will never feel that you are too much when someone tells you that nor will you feel that you are not enough because you recognize who you are in all your mess and all your glory and you love yourself still. So if I’m not responding to texts or picking up calls or noticing you – it’s definitely the case. It has been a very personal journey and although I have kept most of the labour to myself; the first step was recognizing that there was a problem and I I feel I am in a position where I am strong enough to share and hopefully uplift someone else. It is wild to think that I am only 24 and harbored this much hurt inside of me. Right now I am drinking less, eating better, meditating and recently, working out and I am very dedicated to the process. I am very protective of this space right now and I hope it’s forever. I have absolutely no time to spare for the sake of it being wasted.
I have no great big conclusion. I had just to let that out. I can’t remember when last I felt this excited (if ever) and I can’t express how grateful and blessed I feel that life has given me better days
Toast to the rest of this journey.
Written By: Naledi Sibisi