This is not something I’m excited to write about, but if we’re being honest, there’s a lot of us... Or rather, a lot of me’s. Women dating a married man.
You’ll be surprised at how many women are curious and interested in exploring this dynamic. Exploring it because it’s been fashioned as something without commitment or baggage and stress. If you’re one of them, a woman who seeks the answer on how to date a married man? The answer is: don’t.
Don’t. And not because of the conventional justification that you’re a godforsaken woman who could potentially be a home wrecker... girl, i don’t have time for that. He is his homes wrecker.
But don’t, because of you. You deserve better. You deserve more. You deserve to sleep with both eyes closed.
DISCLAIMER: If you’re reading ‘dating’ as ‘sleeping with’, don’t read further. Sleeping with a married man is not as deep.
The truth about dating a married man is that in the end everyone, but him, loses.
People will tell you that it’s such a simpler way to date because as I mention above “it’s without commitment and stress”, but the truth is, you aren’t detached from his situation. You become very much a part of it and it lives with you.
You become complicit to the reason he’s not home as often anymore, to less of his income stream going home and if he’s clumsy (as expected of men), an innocent woman’s sleepless nights. But this article is not going to be centered around his children and his wife, it’s going to be centered around you. Your sleepless nights .
Like any other man you’ve dated before, something propelled an interest in this married one, something made it “okay” in that moment, when you decided to indulge him. So like any other man you’ve fallen in love with, it’s not impossible for you to fall in love with him too. That’s where the flame starts, and in the beginning you never see through the smoke.
You fall in love with him, and you forget that there is a huge possibility that this story might not come with “happily ever after”. That at some point, he could leave you, except he’ll still have his (angry and disappointed) wife to go home to, and you’ll just have yourself, which isn’t inadequate, but recall my statement about how everyone loses, but him. You lose him, he returns home.
Between that point and now, you’ll find yourself justifying this incoherent bliss you’re in, sacrificing... cause man, do us women sacrifice for the men we love. You will find yourself cyber stalking his wife, as if you’re the one being cheated on, being tickled by jealousy’s feather when he cancels on your plans because she perhaps got ill or lost her car key and is stranded. And you know what sucks about being jealous in this dynamic? You have no grounds to be. So all you can do is eat it up, and swallow it. This builds up by the way, you become a bearer of toxic heaviness, but have to continue being the girl he became attracted to when you both started. You lose inner peace, he has the best of both worlds.
I can’t stop laughing at myself while I’m writing this. A friend of mine once said to me “Look at you, losing the plot of why you started seeing this man. You’re becoming something comfortable, when that is exactly what he runs away from when he comes to fall in your arms. He runs to you for excitement and to be on his toes, and you’re falling in love with him? Haska!”
And that, is some true tea ladies. Your married bae is not invested in you because he is looking for a second wife, or a new one. He is looking for the 20, that the 80 at home is without (this is not a ratio of you against the wife, but of your dynamic against his marriage). That’s what he signed up for, nothing more. You deserve more. You deserve someone who can fully be accountable to you. Someone who won’t flake on your plans with him due to his significant other, because you’re his only significant other.
Let’s change the narrative a bit. Let’s say, he does end up leaving his wife for you, or she leaves him and he builds a new home in you. If he has children, you will have to face the reality that your step children will hate you. If he doesn’t, pheeww right?? Wrong.
You’ll have to understand the highly likely possibility that he will do it again, only this time, to you. You deserve to sleep with both eyes closed.
Women need to think and act the way men do to find happiness. How many men do you know who are ruining their lives because of a woman? Now, how many women do you know who have sacrificed all for a man?
Men never put their relationships first. At least moderately successful men don't. That is why they are happier than women are. Women have a tendency to meet a man and then focus their entire lives on him. They will stop thinking about attending school or put business plans on hold after meeting someone who sweeps them off their feet.
This is a bad idea even if the man is not married. But if he is, you have truly just shot yourself in the foot because you have given up a piece of yourself for a someone who belongs to another and you will become more and more resentful over time.
Look at your married bae for what he is and control your emotions. If he is obviously lying to you to keep you available to him, consider if the relationship is worth your time or not.
If you’re reading this, and you’re stuck in this rut but want to know how you can continue productively, here’s my advice and a few things to remember:
- If he lied to you in the beginning about whether or not he was married, you should seriously consider whether or not you can trust him.
- Remember that his first priority will always be his children and his wife, no matter what he says.
- Do not sacrifice everything for him. Be independent. Go on dates with other men. Have other hobbies. He's not giving up everything for you, so you shouldn't give up everything for him either.
- Your relationship will change if he divorces his wife for you. It will not all be fun and games anymore.
- Make your relationship worth your time. Ask him to support you financially, or at least make sure you're getting as much out of it as you're putting in. Don't let him take advantage of you.
- Be honest with yourself. What you're doing is risky. Own up to the risk.
- Very likely, he will not leave his wife for you.
- No matter what he says, he's still having sex with his wife. Don't let your relationship with him keep you from seeing other people.
Leverage your relationship. If he can somehow help you in life by making you more successful, paying your bills, or buying you a home, then you have gotten something to show for your time.
I hope this sheds some light.
Written by: Anonymous