Break if you must…break as often as you need to.
Is it ok to collectively admit that sometimes we shatter? That at times things collide towards you all at once, and that in those moments your only balance is yourself. That you can very well reach a place where even your pillars can’t save you and no one understands but your heart. That most of the walls we’ve built on belief or culture can’t help you stand when the help relies on you?
That, even when you know God is there you sometimes just don’t know at all. I’ve learnt that it’s better to admit to yourself that you’re not ok and to just crumble, crumble all the way. Break so you can rebuild and rebuilding might even take a little while longer than tearing down and even that process alone leaves you with questions of “how did I even get here?” And whilst in that process you learn that strength is also found in vulnerability. That vulnerability might be shared with people who have never known you, strangely they easily and without hesitation extend the right words and the most presence.
This place is an odd place to cross, because it’s where solitude is peace & grief at the same time yet distinctive. Both are beautifully fragrant with discoveries of yourself. Here you easily fall in love with learning new pathways of you & everything around you is known anew, like religion.
Wait sorry my first question is amiss because perhaps we cannot collectively admit to what we’ve experienced differently. Or rather admitting to not knowing how to express faith in tough times is unpopular because at most we should keep up appearances in case you see a human. And maybe the world of social media has tricked us into believing that no one goes through anything at any point, that we all simply glide through life having issues like ‘there’s no feta cheese for the salad’ when in fact there are things unexplainable that collect every emotion from you only to leave you with a worship of something greater than you.
Kate Spade passed away a few months ago, an American designer and businesswoman. Her death was confirmed as suicide. A few days later Anthony Bourdain, an American celebrity chef, television personality and author also passed on having committed suicide. For someone like me who does not take from much, hearing that a successful businesswoman committed suicide sounds uncanny, or that a wel-traveled chef who shared the greatest cuisines on beautiful shores with epic sceneries did the very same. Why when you had so much, right? We all have struggles and at most the biggest war you’d ever have to fight is with yourself. And maybe loving yourself means to love yourself enough to appreciate moments that simply do not make sense to you, to live despite the questions. They may come in overwhelming waves, where your right now does not equal your desires and it’s not as if you’re not trying and that’s what hurts but nothing hurts more than having believed God will, at that very time. It may even be that you have access to everything needed but there are still too many voids, far too much pain and all of this is tiring. Shouldn’t love begin right there? Maybe the greater extension of love is not only to say I love you at your weakest or worst maybe it’s also to say I don’t know how to love you right now but I am going to love you anyway. It’s not to accept but to take the process and it’s lessons. There are cups we must drink not to our will, yet with a trust of a coming glory.
Check on your people, ask them how they are and really mean it. Sit and seek to open everything they would close and by ‘open’ you could just simply sit with them in silence and that would be enough. And maybe I am thinning this call by referring to just your people, be kind to everyone.
Be kind always. Show curtesy to everyone you meet no matter who or what standard they hold. With every and any encounter had with a human being seek to be kind first. Be kind even to people who lied about your name for their benefit or to have you become you they said you are and to people who hurt you and you forgave with no apology. Just be kind. Difficult but a save of yourself.
However the main point of this write up is; break when you must, it’s ok. For a while we’ve somehow believed that dealing with things means to get over them, we don’t address how things have made us feel. So we carry broken pieces and hurt people along the way, people who had nothing to do with your pain. Hurt people, hurt people. So break, break by acknowledging you were hurt, sometimes you must break by admitting you contributed.
A masked front will not save you, more importantly it cannot change you. Breaking is usually where you grow. Allow yourself to grow. Break if you must.
Written by: Yolanda Phakela